Hiding from myself

I am supposed to be in class right now, except it is really not class, not really. It is a website. It’s a news website for our university that we are doing for class, and it tells the students and staff what is going on around our university. We each have jobs on this website; I was a features writer, now I am a sub editor. 

Right now I am supposed to be in the debriefing for it, from our tutor Chris. He goes through what have been good and bad about what we have done over the last week in terms of the website.

Except, I don’t like going to these debriefings, last time I went, he really put my article down. I don’t mind criticism, really I don’t, but he SLATED me in a very unprofessional manner in front of my class. Sometimes I wonder what I am even doing here, doing journalism. I really don’t care about it you know? But then, I wonder what else I would be doing? What else right now would be happening in my life, if I hadn’t of undertaken this course.

I have discovered, that yes, I do want to do TV or radio presenting, but even to do that I have to be in London, really. It is the main place in terms of media that you should be if you want has all the opportunities presented to you. I just sometimes wished I could live somewhere prettier, like Edinburgh, but I know the same opportunities aren’t there. It’s like balancing my head and my heart and seeing which wins.

Head says:- Stay in London, get a media job in which you know you can do, if you just gave it a little more time.

Heart says: Get out of London! Move to somewhere you know is prettier, where you can respond to your surroundings, instead of just accepting them.

But surely, a place is what you make of it right? They say that London is one of the best places in the world, so why oh why do I think about leaving? I do not think it is because I am unhappy per se in this place. Only that I am frustrated with my course, frustrated with the way my lecturer talks to us, and frustrated that I DID NOT DO TELEVISION AND RADIO AS MY COURSE.

But what if even if I did do it,  I was unhappy? Perhaps I will always look for more. Perhaps the grass is always greener, and if so how do I make my grass just as bright? Is it about accepting your losses?

I think personally that I am always going to be a person who will want more than what they have got. Perhaps this is some thing inside me that is always yearning for more, because maybe they never want to be content where they are. Perhaps I grew comfortable in being uncomfortable.

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment, and we are talking about these things. I have come to the conclusion that everybody needs a counsellor and it is doing me the world of good. Having someone to talk to is amazing, someone that doesn’t judge you and all.

 I don’t feel like being judged at the moment, which is why I am avoiding the mornings debriefing. Because, just for now, I do want to hide and be a little weak while I mull things over in my head without the distraction of negativity coming from anybody else.